Youth Group Q&R #1: When should young men start dating? Is “missionary dating” a good idea?
Real questions from young people about stuff that matters to them. Real responses that go deeper than a TikTok and are designed to launch meaningful conversations.
Q&R - Question and Response
TL;DR - Too long; didn’t read
This is an article for teenagers and their parents, so yeah. I wrote like I was talking to teenagers and their parents
Q1 pt 2: Missionary Dating
Let's start with the second half of that question then circle back around to the first: is “missionary dating”- a good idea?* Full disclosure, I wasn’t sure what “missionary dating” was. I had a guess but had to do some quick Google work. As I’d suspected, we’re talkin' good ol “flirt to convert.” A classic question asked throughout the ages.
The Basics
My guess is what you may have heard before is the “typical” churchy answer. A good parent or youth group leader with limited time has probably hit you with 2 Corinthians 6:14:
"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (NIV)
While I wouldn’t hate on someone who starts here, I’d probably push back on the wisdom of using this passage specifically for dating in the way we've traditionally done. Paul is not directly addressing dating/romance/marriage, so why should we apply it to a dating context? That being said, I don’t necessarily think we wrongly apply this principle (not entering into deep work and intimacy with nonbelievers) when we apply it to dating. We just kinda have to acknowledge we’re making some inferences.
I don’t want to start with 2 Corinthians and digging into what Paul had in mind and if we can apply it. We’ll come back to the Bible in a moment. Instead, I want to start by taking a step back and discussing bigger themes.
Godly Men are Responsible
First, I want to acknowledge something inherently good in this question: If you are a guy who *legitimately* desires to see a girl you’re attracted to come to Jesus, that’s not a bad thing! It reflects the God-given longing in your heart to care for and spur a woman toward her savior, Jesus. That’s a good desire. You may feel an actual burden in your heart to walk alongside her and introduce her to Christ. I want to affirm that. Atta boy.
However, a major part of growing as a godly man is learning our circles of responsibility and where the boundaries of those circles lie. Christ’s death offered salvation to all (John 1:29, 1 Timothy 2:5-6, 1 John 2:2, etc.), but when Jesus walked the earth, he didn’t heal every person on the planet, in his country, or even in his town. Part of grasping both his humanity and divinity in their proper measures (Philippians 2:6) meant Jesus accepting the limitations of being human. Put simply; Jesus recognized his circles of responsibility and that those circles existed on different levels. This principle was played out in the reality of Jesus’ singleness (he could have been the best husband ever, but that was not his mission). But it also played out in other parts of Jesus’ ministry. Just because Jesus could do something, does not mean he did.
Catching the connection? Just because you could be the one to convert an attractive babe does not mean it's your role in the story – especially when the landscape is complicated by romance (as we will get into now).
TL;DR [red]: Godly men do take responsibility for others, so you are right to feel that pull. Part of learning to move like the God-man (Jesus) in the world is realizing there are circles of responsibility having to do with our limitations, i.e., we are not responsible for everyone all the time.
Going Deeper
Romance, attraction, and love are all wrapped up in a process of self-giving and other-receiving. When you’re attracted to someone, you naturally start giving yourself to them – your heart, mind, and even physically. And at the same time, you start receiving them. This holistic process is at the core of what makes a friendship different from a romantic relationship: the level of self-gift and reception of another. I get this may sound a little intense, but stay with me.
If we zoom out, we know (as Christians) that romance, attraction, and love were designed by God and have this dimension of self-giving and other-receiving baked into them. Ultimately, the process moves us toward the merging of two lives (i.e., oneness) Additionally, the intermingling of self and another shapes our identity; we don’t stop being us when we date or get married, but we begin to want and reach toward a "we" and less a "me."
This process is why a romantic partner’s faith is no small thing. The more steps you take toward figuring out what a “we” looks like (and ultimately oneness. See: Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, and Mark 10:8), the more you want to give yourself and receive them. This is a beautiful thing when the Holy Spirit has already laid a foundation of Spiritual/Faith unity. But if core Faith differs, the process of giving and receiving (bonding, intimacy) will actually cause tension and heartache because, fundamentally, there actually can’t be complete unity.
God was all about this when he told the Israelites not to intermarry with people who didn’t believe life, purpose, salvation, provision, and love came from the same place they did (Deuteronomy 7:3-4, Joshua 23:12-13, 1 Kings 11:1-4, Ezra 9:1-2…just to name a few). God wasn’t racist or bigoted against foreigners, he wanted his people not to give their hearts, minds, and bodies to people who would turn them toward worshiping other things (giving themselves to and opening themselves to receive other gods and not him). God knows the process of becoming one (between humans and between humans and God) and knows it causes issues when the spirits of the people are not united by the Holy Spirit. Fracturing is inevitable and damage is imminent. Of course, people with differing core beliefs can be married (like when one spouse becomes a Christian and the other doesn’t), and God 100% shows up for those couples in their need, but ask most couples who do not share beliefs, and they’d tell you it presents a lot of challenges to oneness.
King Solomon is the poster child of what happens when we ignore this wise directive from God. Solomon married hundreds of women who did not share his faith in the God of Israel, and the result was disastrous (1 Kings 11). Becoming one with them in marriage, he gave of himself and received these women. Because there was a major inherent disunity in their spirits, he was led astray from God. To be fair, the odds were against him — quite literally — nearing 1 to 1000. There were a lot of women pulling his heart and mind away from God.
Wait a minute, you may be asking. Isn’t it 50/50 if the girl will convert, or you will get pulled away (like Solomon) since the process is a mutual giving and receiving of the self? Correct. Are you willing to take that risk – especially when it isn’t necessarily in your circle of responsibility? If she has your engine revving so hot that you are immediately nodding your head “yes,” go for a run and take a cold shower. You are not thinking with a level head.
TL;DR:
Not every beautiful, unbelieving girl is your responsibility to bring to Jesus.
Flirting to convert or “missionary dating” isn’t a great idea because we’re wired for oneness on the spiritual, physical, and emotional level. If she isn’t a believer, what exactly are you giving yourself to, and what are you receiving into your most core self? What kind of oneness can there actually (I) be?
Sure, there’s always a chance you’ll “win” her over, but the risk isn’t worth it. Let God be God and use a method of conversion that doesn’t put you at risk of becoming Solomon.
Q1 pt 1: When to start dating?
With all that under our belt, when should someone start dating? Spoiler, I don’t have a simple answer for you because this isn’t a simple question. It depends on several things like why someone wants to date in the first place, one’s approach to dating, and the household rules in place.
Why do you want to date anyway?
If this guy was sitting in front of me at a coffee shop and asking when he should start dating, the first thing I’d do is pepper him with some follow-up questions:
Why do you want to date in the first place?
Horny?
Lonely?
Everyone else is doing it?
Want to gain a sense of self from someone else because you are too afraid to find out who you are without someone else?
What do you imagine dating to be?
What are you hoping to get out of it?
Can you afford to date? (Are you ready to pay for meals, coffee, etc.?)
What do your parents say?
I’d encourage him (and you) to give them some real thought, reflect on the answers you come up with, and then write them down. Evaluate them – are they good reasons, or are they kinda silly? If you’re unsure, run them by a trusted friend, a youth leader, or even an elder at your church. Chances are, they are more willing and open to talk about dating than you think.
If the answers to some of these questions (especially the first one and its sub-questions) are kinda sus, don’t start dating. That would be a stupid choice because dating won’t fix what's going on inside your heart, mind, and body.**
Something worth noting, and perhaps you knew this already, but dating isn’t in the Bible. It’s a relatively modern way of moving from single to married. That being said, it doesn’t mean God isn’t interested in our romantic lives. God wants to be a part of everything going down in your life. If the ultimate purpose of dating is to figure out it you even want to get married, to whom, and what compatibility looks like, then the Bible offers some good wisdom on the timing aspect of that journey. All the providing, leaving, cleaving, and imaging Christ doesn’t have to be in place to start dating, but it should at least be somewhere in your thought process.
Genesis 2:24 – “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
This assumes a man has the resources to leave his household and start his own. Someone who is financially and emotionally "one" with his parents still can't become one with a woman.
1 Timothy 5:8 – “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
Providing for a household is kind of a big deal. You making plans to be able to provide in some significant way, shape, or form?
Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18--4:1, 1 Peter 2:18--3:7
These "household codes" describe what is expected of a husband. If these passages sound like nonsense to you, it might mean you’re not ready for serious dating yet.
1 Corinthians 7:9 – “But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
This verse needs deeper study before being used as a primary reason to start dating. We'll wrestle with this passage in a future Q&R
The Approach is key
Dating doesn’t have to be all serious and scary, but a good dating relationship leads to a serious relationship and eventually marriage (which is still fun stuff) but something not to be taken lightly. As an old camp director of mine once said; “Marriage is good work if you can get it.”
A healthy marriage should be the ultimate goal of dating, but the first step in getting to that goal is much less intense. The question in your head the first month or two of dating a girl should NOT be “Is this the girl I’m going to marry?” The questions you gotta be asking are: Is she cute? Is she Christian? Are we having fun? If the answer to all of these is yes, then (in due time) you’ll make your way to getting the bigger questions about marriage answered. “Needing” to somehow know if you are going to marry a girl after one date or even three puts an eye-watering amount of pressure on the relationship. Chill out. There is no way to know if you are going to marry someone right out of the gate unless Jesus himself sits down at your table.
What do Mom and Dad say?
Even if you aren’t a minor, checking in with your parents, mentors, youth leaders, etc., who know you well and have watched you grow is a pro tip. They’ll probably have some good stories and advice from their own experience dating, and you may even get some helpful ideas. They may be old, but they had game at one time – and some game is timeless. If you find yourself disagreeing with a rule or suggestion being put out there by a parent, guardian, or mentor, dig deeper into it (respectfully). Chances are they have some good reasons and if they don’t, it could be a great opportunity to talk more, come up with better rules, and gain some clarity. If your parents aren’t willing to have a conversation with you about why they’ve enacted the rules they have, talk about it with a youth leader, pastor, friend’s parents, or other trusted adult. They may be able to help you with navigating those situations.
How to Start Dating
Okay, so you have solid reasons for dating, you’ve got the right approach, and you’ve talked with wise people. In my mind, you’re ready to go on a date. And I mean good, clean dating; getting coffee, going to a movie, grabbing food, hanging in groups, etc.
Keep in mind dating has a skill element to it, big guy. Things like asking a girl out, planning dates, asking good questions, having fun without too much pressure, seeking advice from friends and mentors, stewarding sexuality, figuring out what compatibility looks like, and knowing when to break up (if necessary) are all skills to be developed and exercised. Even getting rejected with grace is a skill. It happens to everyone, and if you haven’t met someone who’s been rejected by a girl, you haven’t met enough people.
Be blessed brother. God’s speed.
TL;DR:
If you want to start dating, ask yourself why and what you want first. It could be your reasons kinda suck and you aren’t ready.
Just starting to date? The questions you gotta be asking are: Is she cute? Is she Christian? Are we having fun? NOT: Will we get married?
Old people have good stories about dating so ask.
Dating is a skill. It WILL take effort, and you will fail at parts of it. Welcome to being a human. You’ll get better. Talk to God about it. Chin up, charge the mountain.
*This entire article assumes the young man posing the questions is referring to dating a girl; i.e., an opposite-sex attracted relationship. I’ll be writing more about SSA and sexual/romantic confusion in the future. Stay tuned.
** If you are mostly horny, lonely, or don’t know who you are, stay tuned, I’ll be writing more on how to navigate these feelings in a healthy, God-honoring way soon. But trust me, dating is NOT one of them.